The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.
–Gloria Steinem

Life is a wonder and a mystery. We move through it under the strong illusion that we have some degree of control of it or at least our personal corner. On the surface at least, we don’t, and life does not hesitate to remind of this regularly.

But there is something deeper here…a paradox to be sure. There is a deep place within us that is connected to the Whole of ALL THAT IS. It is in this connection that we can tap into something deeper. This is the place where we can see the bigger picture and recognize the Divine Perfection all around us. It is the place where we can laugh at what is unfolding and not take it so seriously. This is also the place where we can get freed up of all of that drama and biographical, genetic, ancestral and societal baggage we keep dragging around with us.

As small children, we are powerfully imprinted by our early experiences, both good and bad. It is where our first impressions of love, relationships and the world are made. Depending on whether those early experiences were positive and uplifting or dark and traumatic or somewhere in between, they shape our perception and ways of navigating through the world.

If we grow up on a starvation diet devoid of much attention and affection, that becomes our normal because we don’t know what a full meal tastes like. Because it feels normal, we will tend to perpetuate that diet and attract people and circumstances into our lives that only partially feed us.

To stop carrying those early imprints with us, we need to heal and release the thoughts and beliefs about the world they created. Often they are so much a part of us, that we cannot even see them. But in spite of their invisibility, they shape and influence every decision we make.

For someone who is used to being deprived, learning to receive love and attention and affection, is a major healing event. It is a process of unwinding and unraveling all of those deeply ingrained ways of being, reacting and moving and opening the channel for a new level of aliveness.

In order to do what it believes will keep us safe, our subconscious sabotages all of our desires and needs and deep cravings to grow and change. This saboteur affects everything we do. To really heal these subterranean levels of fear, we need to connect with something greater. To reduce the imagined threat of releasing our old way of being, we need to remember who we are.

This is nothing short of dying to what was and being reborn to what is. It is where we will find real freedom. It is where we will find our authentic voice. It is where we will learn what it means to be alive.

We, perhaps for the first time, will be back in the driver’s seat of our lives, rather than feeling like some rogue part of ourselves is behind the wheel.

This is not really about control, but rather surrender and allowing and being with what is at a very high level of acceptance. Control is about the need to survive. When we begin to taste freedom, we no longer feel in danger and so no longer need to control things. We are no longer out of alignment with what is before us and what is unfolding. The feeling of being out of sync was simply all that noise from our subconscious trying to survive what it perceived to be a very confusing world.

There are many modalities that allow us to release our early scripts and beliefs. When we are ready to really let go, we will find them.

In the meantime, take a look at your circumstances and relationships. Notice any repeating themes or patterns? Feelings of powerlessness and frustration? A sense of moving ten steps forward and two back? A gnawing feeling of being victimized, but with no clue how to shake the feeling or change your circumstances?

That’s it. Keep paying attention to it. Call it forth from the shadows into the light of day. Watch what happens when a little bit of awareness creeps in. The power and intensity starts to diminish. Exposure is half the battle.

It’s as if you’ve discovered a few stowaways living inside of you…long-term house guests, and it’s time to show them the door.

For that you may need help, because these squatters aren’t usually so keen on leaving. They will do anything to convince you they are helping you and that you cannot survive without them. An objective person can help you to hold steady and not be swayed or undermined by such tactics.

Sometimes you have to sneak up on them and trick them into leaving. Whatever it takes, whatever modalities you choose, by all means stand firm. Give them a hug, thank them for serving you, but don’t forget to lock the door once they’re gone.

Radical humility is the only possible way forward. The ultimate spiritual position is not guru or sage. It is servant. And you can’t serve until you’ve been destroyed.
–Andrew Harvey, author of The Sun at Midnight

Photo by Julian Fann

Now + Here = Nowhere

There is Nowhere to go…there is only Here…Now

Here Now…Now Here…No-Where…

There is No-Thing to do…only Nothing…the Void that is filled with
the illusion of Some-Things…

There is No-body to be…only Nobody…the Void that is filled with the
illusion of Some-Bodies…

From this place of Nowhere, Nothing and Nobody…from this Void…comes
the IS-NESS that is Every-Thing…Everything that IS…the IS-NESS that
is Every-where…Everywhere that IS…

No Separate-ness…No Separation…No-Thing Separate…No-Where
Separate…No-Body Separate…

What IS as IS…

This IS…That IS…There IS…

It IS…

No-Thing-ness as Some-Thing-ness…

One Thing…All Things…Every-Thing…

Being One-Thing…Being Every-thing…Being No-thing

All of IT and None of IT…

IT IS…IT IS NOT…

ONE-NESS…ALL-NESS…IS-NESS

I AM

WE ARE

THEY ARE

Now Here…

No-Where…No-Thing…No-Body…

Everywhere…Everything…Everybody…

I, You, We, Us, Them, Him, Her, It…

Words to hold us in Time and Space…Some-Thing to grab onto…

Some-Thing…Some-Body…Some-One…Some-Place…

Any-Thing…Any-Body…Any-One…Any-Place…

As long as WE ARE HERE…

NOW…

Words…

Just words…

No-Thing more…

What is not brought to consciousness comes to us as fate.
–Carl Jung

How far are you willing to go to be authentic?  At what point do you decide to compromise yourself and accommodate others? How much compromise/accommodation is really necessary in our relationships, our work, our lives?

My answer today, in this moment, is hopefully very little. I don’t know about you, but I just can’t do the self-betrayal thing any more. My body just won’t move in that direction. The resistance that comes up feels like I’d have to move a mountain of bricks to do something I really don’t want to do. My whole being shuts down energetically if it even gets a whiff of sacrifice in the air.

Does this mean I am selfish or that I don’t like doing things for others? Of course not. But when it comes to giving, I’d rather step into the stream of effortless flow where the giving bubbles to the surface naturally and just moves me in that direction. My heart expands with joy when I give from that place. Besides no one wants to receive something from someone who doesn’t have it to give or who tangles the giving in a web of expectations and resentment.

No thanks. Don’t bother.

We all need to feed and nourish ourselves. Take time out and recharge and restore ourselves. When we are fed and nourished, the desire to give comes more readily. So many of us live on a self-starvation diet, depleting our stores of energy in exchange for money or some other commodity, that we’ve forgotten what really listening to our own needs even feels like.

It doesn’t have to be like that, even down to the simplest level. If you hate getting up early in the morning and that is truly authentic for you, find a way to structure your life to support that. If being alone helps you to feel grounded and centered again, make sure you have enough solitude in your schedule. If it’s authentic for you to be in nature on a regular basis, then make life choices around that.

Too much compromise and sacrifice makes us cranky. Long periods of habitual self-betrayal can wear deep grooves in our psyches, leaving us depressed or angry or full of anxiety. Allowed to go on long enough and you’re creating fertile ground for a major illness, a meltdown or both.

Not a pretty picture. And certainly not worth it.

So what to do? Stop it! Right now. Just stop.

Take a breath and step back from your life and assess the damage. In what areas of your life are you betraying yourself? In what areas do you deny your needs in favor of another’s? In what areas of your life is it more important to be liked and approved of than it is to follow your own way? How much of yourself do you sacrifice (negotiate) in order to get something you want or hang onto something you have?

On the flip side, how much do you expect others to sacrifice or compromise on your behalf?

Can we all just put an end to this unnecessary martyrdom and suffering?

I think we can, without too much fall out. Most radical change requires going to the opposite extreme. You may have to start by simply practicing the fine art of saying no. To everyone. Or at least to as many people as you can get away with for as long as it takes to break the habit of saying yes when you’d rather not.

Another thing that helps is to start paying attention to your body and your energy levels. If something drains the shit out of you…by all means, don’t do it. If it energizes and excites you, obviously, say yes.

Sounds so simple, but most of us have developed a pretty strong override button that effectively silences our needs in one fell swoop, essentially taking us out of any equation that comes up. Because our needs are cut off, we aren’t factored in. Instead, we simply move into and through our lives on automatic pilot reacting to things and putting out fires, without regard to the inner yearnings of our souls.

People aren’t mind readers. You have to know what you want and ask for it. You have to stake your claim or you will get walked on or at least left out. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but the juicy, fun part of life happens when we engage with it full out with our entire being.

So stop censoring yourself. Stop holding back. Stop second guessing yourself. And for God’s sake, stop worrying about what other people think.

Create the space for the real you to emerge. Then, and only then, will you be free to give.

The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked.
–Franz Kafka

Photo by Julian Fann

Who we are is constantly changing. We are not static, therefore, we cannot hold onto our concept of ourselves or others. To truly grow and move and flow with the river of life, we need to constantly let go of where we are and what we know. This makes us available for what is and what’s to come.

Many find fluidity threatening. It is unpredictable and unknown. Without a measured, structured controlled way of being, life becomes rich with possibility and also with danger. Anything can happen. And as Alan Watts reminded us there is real wisdom in insecurity. Nothing is certain or guaranteed and to operate as though it is, leaves us unprepared to meet what life presents us in the moment.

“How could this happen?” we ask when life takes a sudden abrupt turn in a new direction, the very question revealing deep levels of unconsciousness about the nature of existence. Life simply is unfolding as it will moment by moment, and the workings of it are so vast and complex, that try as we might, we will never be able to rein it in and direct it to do our bidding.

The shattering of illusions, such a quintessential aspect of waking up, reveals this unfathomable mystery over and over again. Like grains of sand in a clenched fist, no amount of our demanding the truth, brings it forth. Instead, it seems to be the gentle surrender and dropping of resistance that allows the fog around our vision to lift.

Thankfully, there is always more…more to see…more to know…more to experience. Thinking you have arrived is yet another illusion. So many spiritual teachers have been blinded silly by that one, as they set up their tent shows promising to show us the way. What a relief to realize that stopping is not an option. Life is about movement and growth, and for those whose main focus is escape from that usually end up getting yanked out of their stupor by some major jolt or challenge.

Fate has a way of finding our hiding places.

We all know the whispering inside of our hearts, as well as the ongoing costs we incur by ignoring it.

As I’ve said before we can take our experiences easy and smooth or hard and straight up. There are benefits to both. Often the resistance makes our experiences and the lessons we learn from them far more powerful, indelible in their impact and level of penetration, giving them a bit more staying power.

Resistance then may not be a bad choice if you don’t mind higher spheres of pain, because the tighter we hold onto our illusions, the more attached we get to them, the more wrenching and severe it can be when they blow up.

Life becomes quite shamanic at this level. We invite this kind of no-nonsense teacher when we really want to immerse ourselves fully into the deepest level of a particular lesson. We may even question our ability to survive travels into these depths, as they often leaving us feeling adrift without anchor or familiar ground beneath our feet.

But eventually, with time, we emerge from the murky darkness and find our way onto dry land. In the process, we may discover that something within us, something connected to us, something mysterious and yet familiar, was there to sustain us all along, That something also is what connects us to all that is around us, and let’s us know that we are not alone.

Once we can really see and experience that connectedness with everything, we no longer need to fight or control or manipulate the world around us. We no longer need to cling to our concepts and beliefs. We can simply let go and fall into the void and relax into the awareness that there is no death, and therefore nothing to fear.

In fact, there are no limitations at all. There is only this game of hide and seek between the truth and the illusions that distort it.

The ultimate paradox is that since there is nowhere to go but right where you are, you are exactly where you should be, illusions and all.

Man seeks to escape himself in myth, and does so by any means at his disposal. Drugs, alcohol, or lies. Unable to withdraw into himself, he disguises himself. Lies and inaccuracy give him a few moments of comfort.
–Jean Cocteau

I’ve been watching the first season of David Lynch’s show, Twin Peaks. It’s been years since the show aired and yet, during all that time, I somehow missed it. I’ve seen many of his movies, so I was prepared for the intensity and the dark-angled view of life’s edges and eccentricities and outright naked rawness through which he turns the lens on humanity. The recognizable musical arrangements as well as his absolute obsession with the colors green and red, make the show familiar territory for any Lynch fan.

However, two things struck me.

The first is that the show is set in fictional Twin Peaks, Washington, but was filmed in North Bend, Washington, a half an hour away from Seattle, where I now live. Now granted I’ve only been in the actual town once, but I walked around it quite a bit and ate in the very café which serves as the centerpiece of many scenes in the show. I have also been to the falls that appear in a few shots as well as a backdrop for the opening credits.

The second is Lynch’s uncanny ability to brutally and without apology penetrate through the superficial levels of human niceties and get right to the ribbon of uniqueness that sets each on of us apart. He seems to hold a parallel fascination with what holds us together and what separates us in our relationships with each other. He grabs onto the tentacles of our deep-seated alienation and squeezes it for all the blood has can extract. He dips us into the deepest, coldest darkest water he can and holds us there until we admit that we, too, are just as crazy or afraid or odd or horny or dangerous as his characters.

And doing that in the place I now call home makes it all the more alluring (for me) to watch.

In fact, I cannot look away. And he knows it. He’s the Diane Arbus of filmmaking and making us uncomfortable is part of what drives him. This discomfort lands us in territories of feelings and thoughts and even dreams that feel both forbidden and in many ways, we think, better off forgotten. We prefer to skate along the surface of life, ignoring as much as possible, the subterranean murkiness underneath. But like a carnival sideshow barker at the old time fairs, he appeals to our voyeuristic tendencies and beckons us to come and look at the freaks inside the tent.

Of course, the freaks are us.

So then, what is it that draws us inside? Curiosity? Fascination? Empathy? Horror? Probably all of those things. Lynch turns our absolute confusion over life’s meaning on it’s head by showing us the absurdity of those little daily things that most of us most pass by with little or no consciousness. He’s almost screaming at us to wake up and look at the FULL range of human experience, soak it in and look at it in all it’s unadulterated glory.

He wants to immerse us in the full gestalt of life and he does this by exaggerating his characters until they almost become caricatures. This technique shines a big magnifying glass on all the blemishes, quirks, secrets, scars, wounds so that we can really see them. You can actually feel this discomfort on both a physical and an emotional level as it seeps in and spreads over your being like a pool of oily liquid. Then once Lynch has you there, he lingers for awhile, plays with the music or some lighting effects and just makes you wait it out. Because he doesn’t work with the same timing we’re used to with other shows or films. No, he operates in his own self-created world with it’s own set of rules, and by entering into it, you’ve agreed to follow them.

It feels a bit manipulative, but somehow also ingenious. No one even comes close to exploring these realms in the way he does. He is bold and brave and willing to go places few others dare to go.

Which brings me back to where I live. Though I’ve only lived in Washington State for a year, I can see how it was the perfect place to film Twin Peaks. Why? Because as sophisticated as the city of Seattle appears, it, and the area surrounding it, still make up the wild, wild West, and as they have for centuries, people come here to get away from the conventions and restrictions of other parts of the country. There’s more space and less pressure to conform, which can and does result in a fair amount of bizarre behavior. People who might not feel comfortable or fit in somewhere else, might find a cozy little neighborhood or town out here where their odd taste for clothing or strange hobbies and behaviors will be tolerated.

I suppose that’s a good thing. It’s certainly never dull. No, instead, it is lush and ripe with a broad range of human expression, especially when you tune in and are receptive to it. If you’re not sure what I mean by that, try looking at the world around you the way Lynch does. Penetrate the layers. Push past the obvious. Submerge into the depths. And see, really see what is right in front of you. You may be surprised and disturbed by what you see, but at least you will finally be seeing. And that, my friend, is what it means to truly be alive.