The world we live in functions by using rules and laws and structure to control and manipulate our experience. Following a schedule and using clocks and calendars keep us bound to a consensus way of thinking and behaving that at first glance, appears to be serving us in that it makes order out of chaos. However, upon deeper examination, one soon sees this order comes at great cost: our freedom and autonomy. All these rules and laws ultimately make it nearly impossible to know how we really feel or what we really want at any given moment. Thereby the very thing that makes life feel safe and predictable, also become the greatest obstacle in self-awareness, imprisoning us in a mostly reactive daily grind.

What this comes down to is an outer directed life versus an inner directed one. To make the shift from outer directed to inner directed living requires nothing less than a monumental shaking up of one’s entire believe system — literally taking it apart piece by piece and essentially discarding almost all of it, only holding onto the basics required for engaging with others.

What is required is spiritual disobedience: a revolution of the self.

If you have any desire for freedom from the shackles of daily living dictated by the mass shared consciousness,  you will have to say no to anything and everything that is not an authentic expression of you. Anything that you do because someone else says you should has to be put aside.  I’m talking about shutting off the Greek Chorus (parents, teachers, friends, co-workers, the media) in your life, ceasing not only to listen to them but also act on what they tell you.

This is the way out.

The only place where real freedom exists is when you realign with yourself and let your heart lead. Trust ourselves? No easy task. The habits of doubt and second guessing and patterns of insecurity run deep and fast within us. We have been scrutinized and judged and micro-managed by the external world for so long, for many of us, our inner voice is an unknown.

Luckily, for some of us, self-denial seems to have an expiration date. There is only so long we can survive on a shallow scant diet of people pleasing motivations. We crave real food that will sustain us, and we can only discover what that is when we begin to listen to our own inner directed wants and needs. The more we shift to this inner directed place, the better our lives will flow. Sure, there may be fall out when we stop accommodating others. Relationships and situations may shift dramatically. But in order to really breathe again and feel at home in our own lives, we must heed our own directives.

For many people this happens in mid-life, a catalytic time when our bodies are changing as well as our circumstances. For others, it may be a car accident, a sudden illness, or the death of a loved one that opens them up to a new way of seeing the world. Regardless, the inner call for attention becomes impossible to ignore.

Disobeying the world and the people in it and heeding our own directive may feel foreign at first, especially if we built a life around avoiding confrontation and smoothing the edges over for others.  We may make messes and stumble around awkwardly until we find our rhythm. Others may not understand our radical behavior changes, as it looks like we’ve suddenly become selfish or narcissistic. We have. We’re talking revolution here. The pendulum has swung to the opposite end of the spectrum and it will come back into balance in time.

In the meantime, enjoy the new found freedom and while you’re transitioning, feel free to put up a temporary smoke screen by telling others you’re involved in a big project that is taking up a lot of your time and you’ll get back to them soon. Because for right now, the answer’s no.

Yesterday, I was listening to a talk by Iyanla Vanzant and in it she spoke about something she called The Forgiveness Diet. It resonated with me deeply. She also referred to it as “70 in 7″ (seventy times seven is, of course, how many times Christ said we need to forgive).  How it works is this:

35 times in the morning
35 times in the evening
For 7 days, you make the statement,

“I forgive myself totally and unconditionally for all judgments I have held about and against (name of person here).”

If you miss one time, you have to start again. You do this until you have done it for 7 days.

Notice this is not about forgiving others, but rather forgiving ourselves for judging others. Because who does that hurt? It hurts us. Iyanla calls forgiveness soul food. This diet is to heal and soothe your soul and relieve you of the burden of all those negative thoughts you carry around with you. Consider it a detox or cleansing diet for the soul. The intention is to give ourselves a fresh start, flushing those resentments out of our systems, and opening our hearts to love.

Everyone deserves the right to be loved and accepted for who they are. Judgment closes that flow of love. But in the area of forgiveness, we need to start with ourselves. Often our judgments of others are in essence simply a projection of our judgment of ourselves. Healing ourselves, heals our relationships.

The Forgiveness Diet is similar to the 7 Day Mental Fast written about by New Thought teacher, Emmet Fox. It’s a similar plan in that you are to give up all negative thoughts for a week. My guess is that there is something powerful about committing to change a destructive habit for 7 days.

As Iyanla said, “It can’t hurt, and it’s free.”

Outside of the basic necessities of fresh air, clean water, food, sleep and love, there is one thing that all human beings long for above all else: to be seen and heard. And also to be appreciated and validated. These are precious morsels that truly feed the soul, and are not experienced nearly enough. On the deepest level this means expressing who we are, without censor or hindrance and finding ourselves wholly accepted by another.

Without a witness or mirror we are lost unto ourselves. Our minds and emotions become random and disordered in isolation. It is the reflections of others that anchor us in the present moment and give us perspective and meaning.  Our ideas and feelings bounce back to us so that we are no longer blind and deaf allowing us to find our location in relation to our environments.

We simply cannot fully know ourselves without another. The flip side is that we can also lose ourselves in another (but that’s another topic).

Either extreme is blinding, as are the twins of selfishness and selflessness. Too much of anything is always too much.

With that said, not much comes close to being really seen and appreciated by another. This is the true meaning of unconditional love, even if it is only temporary or a moment in time, it is a beautiful thing to experience and to give to another. In the same vein as with all things spiritual, it takes presence and attention, dropping the agenda and really tuning in and listening to another. Just be there. Be available. Fully. Just capture someone with your presence.

There is no greater gift we can give than to soak in another’s raw, radiant beauty. Time and space stop and nothing else matters.

We are all moving so fast that we often only give others a cursory glance or brief acknowledgment, so busy are we with what is rambling inside of our own heads. Running through life gets us nowhere fast and we miss just about everything. What we are seeking is all around us, and yet we don’t see it because our vision has become blurred by our rush to get to the next thing on our list.

Do you ever miss people right after you’ve seen them? If so, then you know what I’m talking about. We blink and the moment and the people in it are gone, whizzing past us in a whirlwind of doing and movement.

You know how it feels when someone isn’t really listening to you? They’re distracted by something and you find yourself in the middle of  monologue? Neither one of you is really present. Just warm bodies and talking heads, but no real contact.

No wonder we feel so lost and lonely sometimes. What we really need at those times is to spend some time being fully present with someone and having someone be fully present with us.

We also need to spend time being present with ourselves. Time in which we fully listen to our bodies, our hearts, our desires, our ideas, etc. Just quality time slowing down and listening.

The sweet nectar of life is all around us, juicy and delicious, waiting for us to partake.

Why is it so easy to take the people, places and things in our lives for granted?  We get comfortable with the old and familiar. We get lazy and unconscious and begin to feel entitled to what we have rather than grateful as we would be for a gift.

With all the collective emphasis on the Law of Attraction and manifestation techniques, there is the risk of putting too much attention on what what we want or what is missing from our lives rather than on appreciating what we have.  With our economy in crisis, it is illuminating so many things that we falsely assumed were permanent fixtures of life, barely realizing their fragile roots or that their very existence was based on a mass agreed-upon illusion.

As the John Lennon lyric so aptly states, “You don’t know what you got, until you lose it,” we are waking up to our own blindness to the incredible privileges that have graced our lives: work, housing, food, clean water, material goods aplenty, a multitude of entertainment choices…the list goes on. Suddenly, these aspects of life that we assumed were a given, are now threatened, and oh how much more precious they seem! Suddenly, our lives are not so much about what we don’t have, but rather being grateful for what we do have.

The restlessness and incessant need for more lessens when we shift our perspective even slightly and see the value in choosing what we have. It is as if a veil has come down and America has been caught with its collective pants down. No longer can we deny that people on this planet are living unsustainable lives under intolerable conditions. This awareness is now bumping up against our formerly sheltered and buffered lives. No longer can we pretend that we have transcended our humanity. We, too, are facing issues connected with our survival and there is no where to escape that reality.

In this context, the self-help movement with its promises of salvation and material wealth, seems a bit shallow. We cannot survive this major evolutionary shift by continuing to support the every man out for himself mentality.

That chapter of our story is over.

There is no denying now that we need each other to survive. We have to come together to share resources, not accumulate them, to share knowledge freely, not turn it into another product to sell, to cooperate, not compete.

The spiritual naturally becomes political when it involves the survival of our planet. Hiding on a mountaintop is no longer an option for anyone who considers him- or herself a member of a global community. Yes, we still need to meditate and we still need to practice principles of conscious living, but we also need to take action. We can no longer afford to be spectators in this game of life. We are being called our to take ownership of our lives and accountability for the lives of everyone on the planet.

Choosing what you have, sharing what you know, and being who you are with all of your wisdom and skills are some of the first steps in this process. Just the simple act of opening up your life to the bigger picture will shift things in miraculous ways.

Human beings are tribal in nature, always have been, always will be. We need each other. Even our natural affinity with online social networks reveals this. The post WWII model of nuclear family life is outdated and unsustainable. It is a model of excess, draining resources and creating waste. Our planet and our economy will no longer support that lifestyle. Instead, we will be forced (since most of us didn’t volunteer) to live more cooperatively in relationships and networks of interdependence. Bartering will replace monetary exchange as people look for more creative ways to purchase what they need. Sharing big ticket items among a group of families will make them more affordable and accessible. Gardening, public transportation, free local entertainment will replace their higher cost alternatives.

None of us knows how far down the rabbit hole we have to go to learn these lessons, but go we must, the window to turn things around already past. In the meantime, look at what you have and see it for all it’s preciousness, because tomorrow it may be gone.

It is one of the greatest presumptions and violations of another to ever think that YOU knows what’s best for him or her. A couple of years ago, a good friend of mine scolded me in the middle of a tirade about my desire to change someone, telling me that none of us can EVER really know what another person needs.

This stopped me cold, and when I considered it, it made perfect sense. Yet, it is so easy to project our values and beliefs and preferences onto another. We assume that because it is good for us, it must be good for others. However, when you go deeper, you see that the people in your life are not that simple, not by a long shot.

Think about it. How receptive are they when you impose your will onto them? Not very. No one likes advice, unless it is solicited. Unfortunately, the impulse to throw advice at someone in trouble, comes up and is difficult to resist. We only want to be helpful, we claim. Perhaps. But I think we also like agreement and validation that our way is the right way.

Then there is the uncharted territory that lies in the depths of the subconscious. This is our forbidden zone, invisible even to us most of the time, and yet powerful in its impact on our lives. It is not a place for meddling or to push into uninvited. Yet so many self-help gurus, ignorant or at least, disrespectful of this sacred hot spot, do exactly that–pushing people too fast, churning up old wounds, tearing down precious structures, and leaving massive fallout in their wake with no clue how to put the pieces back together.

What it comes down to is this: trusting the process of our path, as well as the path of others, no matter how much stumbling and suffering accompanies it. Who are we to rob someone else of their lessons? It only delays the inevitable, perhaps even makes it worse when one finally encounters it.

There is so much of life that we cannot see or know. It’s part of the great mystery. It is too vast and large to grasp the methods and workings in its entirety. Instead, we must settle for our small viewpoint of the whole. Therefore, it behooves us to reign in our tendencies to want others to confirm to our will for them.

Let them be. Let them have their experiences. Let them learn by doing.

Not easy, I know, especially if you’re a parent. Stepping out of the way and allowing our children to stumble and fall, helps them learn how to walk, and to find their balance and their strength. Overdoing for others, only cripples them and restricts their ability to move and grow. It makes them dependent and weak. No parent really wants that. However, most of us naturally want to relieve the suffering and heartache of those we love.

A delicate balance, to say the least. In the end, I have found that giving people enough space to move, but letting them know you believe in them works pretty well. We all want support, but no one can live our lives for us. Nor would we want them to. Occasionally, when we can’t walk, we may need someone to carry us for awhile. But eventually, we need to stand on our own two feet. Then down the road, someone may need us to carry them for awhile. It’s part of the interdependence we all need to survive.

In the meantime, though, let us stay our of each other’s way a bit, so there’s more room to move for all of us.

Letting go of relationships, possessions, habits, activities—anything we’ve grown attached to—is one of the most difficult, yet necessary parts of personal growth. It is akin to shedding old skin. In order to make room for the new skin or the new aspects of our lives, we must inevitably part with the old. Sometimes this means we need to say goodbye to negative relationships which are holding us back from realizing our potential. Other times it means moving to a new place in order to take advantage of new opportunities. Regardless of what it is, we are faced with severing a connection with something which is comfortable and familiar and exchanging it with something unknown. This can be a frightening experience, and one which may have pain and loss associated with it.

Sometimes we have to give up something which we know is in our own best interest to give up. However, in spite of this knowledge, we still don’t want to let go of it. We may become stubborn and resistant. We may decide to quit pursuing our dreams for awhile, deciding that success requires too much of us. That’s okay, for awhile.

Rebellion can be healthy if not taken too far. Holding onto bad habits or unhealthy, stressful situations can in some cases help us to see the cost they are exacting. We cling on, fighting change, feeling miserable, but righteous because we are in control. Over time this clinging drains us of the inspiration and positive energy we once felt at the prospect of turning our lives around, of finally taking steps to make our dreams a reality. We wonder why we lost touch with our vision.

When a cup is full, no more liquid can be poured into it. In order to add fresh liquid, the cup must be emptied first. So, too with our lives. We need to make room for new ideas, new opportunities, new ways of being. If our lives are too full of clutter, there is no room for anything new.

How will you know what to let got of? In a cluttered room it is difficult to see what is worth keeping and what must go.  Therefore, one must begin to organize and take stock of the various elements of one’s life. As you begin this process, begin to ask yourself, which of these things will help me to lead a healthy balanced life, and which of these things will hold me back? If you are looking at a work situation, observe your energy level when you are engaged in it. If you feel depleted afterwards, then take steps to replace it. If you still find some reward and some energy and satisfaction from doing it, then perhaps it is worth keeping around for a little while. Everything can be measured in terms of you overall ultimate goal. What fits and what doesn’t fit into the vision you have for a successful, fulfilling life?

Another way to decide if you want to continue participating in something is to ask yourself, if you had six months to live, would you still do it? Use death as an ally. We are all going to die and most of us don’t know when our time will be up.  Therefore, I urge you to use your time wisely. Don’t waste it or throw it away. If anything feels as though it is wasting your time, eliminate it from your life. To see the benefits, find something right now that is small, that you want to eliminate form you life, some old clothes, old books or furniture. Give them away as soon as possible. Lighten your load.  Now you have more room in your closets, on your shelves or in the rooms of your house. You can now leave the space open for awhile or replace it with something new, something which better reflects the direction your life is headed.

Remember closing old doors, is a signal to the universe that you are ready to open new ones. When you are willing to let go of old things, you become a magnet for new opportunities. How do I know this? I’ve witnessed it dozens of times in my own life and in the lives of others. The only way you will know for sure is if you try it for yourself.

Think of your life as a living experiment or think tank, and it will become suddenly wondrous to you, and exhilarating. Lessons surround us and life rewards us when we respect its ability to teach us.

Life is a wonder and a mystery. We move through it under the strong illusion that we have some degree of control of it or at least our personal corner. On the surface at least, we don’t, and life does not hesitate to remind of this regularly.

But there is something deeper here…a paradox to be sure. There is a deep place within us that is connected to the Whole of ALL THAT IS. It is in this connection that we can tap into something deeper. This is the place where we can see the bigger picture and recognize the Divine Perfection all around us. It is the place where we can laugh at what is unfolding and not take it so seriously. This is also the place where we can get freed up of all of that drama and biographical, genetic, ancestral and societal baggage we keep dragging around with us.

As small children, we are powerfully imprinted by our early experiences, both good and bad. It is where our first impressions of love, relationships and the world are made. Depending on whether those early experiences were positive and uplifting or dark and traumatic or somewhere in between, they shape our perception and ways of navigating through the world.

If we grow up on a starvation diet devoid of much attention and affection, that becomes our normal because we don’t know what a full meal tastes like. Because it feels normal, we will tend to perpetuate that diet and attract people and circumstances into our lives that only partially feed us.

To stop carrying those early imprints with us, we need to heal and release the thoughts and beliefs about the world they created. Often they are so much a part of us, that we cannot even see them. But in spite of their invisibility, they shape and influence every decision we make.

For someone who is used to being deprived, learning to receive love and attention and affection, is a major healing event. It is a process of unwinding and unraveling all of those deeply ingrained ways of being, reacting and moving and opening the channel for a new level of aliveness.

In order to do what it believes will keep us safe, our subconscious sabotages all of our desires and needs and deep cravings to grow and change. This saboteur affects everything we do. To really heal these subterranean levels of fear, we need to connect with something greater. To reduce the imagined threat of releasing our old way of being, we need to remember who we are.

This is nothing short of dying to what was and being reborn to what is. It is where we will find real freedom. It is where we will find our authentic voice. It is where we will learn what it means to be alive.

We, perhaps for the first time, will be back in the driver’s seat of our lives, rather than feeling like some rogue part of ourselves is behind the wheel.

This is not really about control, but rather surrender and allowing and being with what is at a very high level of acceptance. Control is about the need to survive. When we begin to taste freedom, we no longer feel in danger and so no longer need to control things. We are no longer out of alignment with what is before us and what is unfolding. The feeling of being out of sync was simply all that noise from our subconscious trying to survive what it perceived to be a very confusing world.

There are many modalities that allow us to release our early scripts and beliefs. When we are ready to really let go, we will find them.

In the meantime, take a look at your circumstances and relationships. Notice any repeating themes or patterns? Feelings of powerlessness and frustration? A sense of moving ten steps forward and two back? A gnawing feeling of being victimized, but with no clue how to shake the feeling or change your circumstances?

That’s it. Keep paying attention to it. Call it forth from the shadows into the light of day. Watch what happens when a little bit of awareness creeps in. The power and intensity starts to diminish. Exposure is half the battle.

It’s as if you’ve discovered a few stowaways living inside of you…long-term house guests, and it’s time to show them the door.

For that you may need help, because these squatters aren’t usually so keen on leaving. They will do anything to convince you they are helping you and that you cannot survive without them. An objective person can help you to hold steady and not be swayed or undermined by such tactics.

Sometimes you have to sneak up on them and trick them into leaving. Whatever it takes, whatever modalities you choose, by all means stand firm. Give them a hug, thank them for serving you, but don’t forget to lock the door once they’re gone.

How far are you willing to go to be authentic?  At what point do you decide to compromise yourself and accommodate others? How much compromise/accommodation is really necessary in our relationships, our work, our lives?

My answer today, in this moment, is hopefully very little. I don’t know about you, but I just can’t do the self-betrayal thing any more. My body just won’t move in that direction. The resistance that comes up feels like I’d have to move a mountain of bricks to do something I really don’t want to do. My whole being shuts down energetically if it even gets a whiff of sacrifice in the air.

Does this mean I am selfish or that I don’t like doing things for others? Of course not. But when it comes to giving, I’d rather step into the stream of effortless flow where the giving bubbles to the surface naturally and just moves me in that direction. My heart expands with joy when I give from that place. Besides no one wants to receive something from someone who doesn’t have it to give or who tangles the giving in a web of expectations and resentment.

No thanks. Don’t bother.

We all need to feed and nourish ourselves. Take time out and recharge and restore ourselves. When we are fed and nourished, the desire to give comes more readily. So many of us live on a self-starvation diet, depleting our stores of energy in exchange for money or some other commodity, that we’ve forgotten what really listening to our own needs even feels like.

It doesn’t have to be like that, even down to the simplest level. If you hate getting up early in the morning and that is truly authentic for you, find a way to structure your life to support that. If being alone helps you to feel grounded and centered again, make sure you have enough solitude in your schedule. If it’s authentic for you to be in nature on a regular basis, then make life choices around that.

Too much compromise and sacrifice makes us cranky. Long periods of habitual self-betrayal can wear deep grooves in our psyches, leaving us depressed or angry or full of anxiety. Allowed to go on long enough and you’re creating fertile ground for a major illness, a meltdown or both.

Not a pretty picture. And certainly not worth it.

So what to do? Stop it! Right now. Just stop.

Take a breath and step back from your life and assess the damage. In what areas of your life are you betraying yourself? In what areas do you deny your needs in favor of another’s? In what areas of your life is it more important to be liked and approved of than it is to follow your own way? How much of yourself do you sacrifice (negotiate) in order to get something you want or hang onto something you have?

On the flip side, how much do you expect others to sacrifice or compromise on your behalf?

Can we all just put an end to this unnecessary martyrdom and suffering?

I think we can, without too much fall out. Most radical change requires going to the opposite extreme. You may have to start by simply practicing the fine art of saying no. To everyone. Or at least to as many people as you can get away with for as long as it takes to break the habit of saying yes when you’d rather not.

Another thing that helps is to start paying attention to your body and your energy levels. If something drains the shit out of you…by all means, don’t do it. If it energizes and excites you, obviously, say yes.

Sounds so simple, but most of us have developed a pretty strong override button that effectively silences our needs in one fell swoop, essentially taking us out of any equation that comes up. Because our needs are cut off, we aren’t factored in. Instead, we simply move into and through our lives on automatic pilot reacting to things and putting out fires, without regard to the inner yearnings of our souls.

People aren’t mind readers. You have to know what you want and ask for it. You have to stake your claim or you will get walked on or at least left out. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but the juicy, fun part of life happens when we engage with it full out with our entire being.

So stop censoring yourself. Stop holding back. Stop second guessing yourself. And for God’s sake, stop worrying about what other people think.

Create the space for the real you to emerge. Then, and only then, will you be free to give.

Let’s face it. Life is quite simple when you really look at it. We all want the same thing: to love and be loved. Period. Beyond that I would add that we all want to be seen and heard and appreciated. We all want to feel connected and to feel meaning in those connections. Plus, being touched regularly is nice. Add to that some creative expression and you have a pretty rich life.

At the core of life is our communication with each other. What we say and don’t say. The messages we send out with our eyes, our expressions, our body language.

We crave connection. It is our life blood. Restrict that connection, and our being begins to wilt and wither, like a plant without sunlight.

Love needs to flow. In its pure unconditional state, it is expansive and inclusive. It continues to grow and build on itself. And to do that it must be expressed freely.

Love is abundant. It is everywhere. It is we who limit it with our conditions and possessiveness and definitions and boundaries. We cling to it out of fear of losing what we have or not getting what we want. We treat it as though it is a scarce commodity that will run out and dry up.

Communication is love’s channel. Listening and receiving and letting someone truly express who they are and be heard is a great gift, yet it is so rarely given. Like a delicious meal, conversation is meant to be lingered over, not rushed through.

You can discover hidden territories when you slow down enough to really speak and really listen. New ideas are born. Wisdom is revealed and shared. Wounds are healed.

Talking, when done for its own sake with grace, is a subtle, yet beautiful art, often neglected. Consciousness has been shifted by those who understand this art, and who know first how to listen and then how to speak.

Speaking up can be the most radical of actions. It can stir people up, inspire them and get them moving.

Silence is just as powerful.

Our voice and our words are incredible tools once we remember how to use them. Most of us hold back. We censor ourselves mercilessly, depriving others AND ourselves our deepest interiors, preferring instead to skim along the surface of life. No wonder we’re hungry with longing.

I propose the following: Listen harder and longer. Engage. Immerse yourself in another’s ideas and being. Really be there. Speak using your whole voice. Don’t hold back. Expose yourself. Be bold and brave. Whatever you do, bring something to the table. Make it worthwhile for the person(s) listening to you.

Broaden your circle. Don’t talk to the same people all the time. Seek out new people. In fact, make it a point to meet someone new every week or even every few days.

I guarantee you if you’re willing to expand your circle and go deep with people and really engage with them, that your consciousness and your life will begin to shift in miraculous ways. New opportunities will start to emerge that may even take you in a whole new direction.

And that is just the beginning; many great ideas have been born out of a single conversation.

Lately, in conversations with friends, they’ve been challenging me, confronting me, exposing me and inviting me to come out from behind my walls. I frustrate them, irritate them, hurt them, avoid them, and just plain drive them crazy with my awkward attempts at setting boundaries. I told someone the other day that I see myself living behind a moat and I’m pretty sure that moat is filled with some amphibians with very sharp teeth. At least that’s what my friends are telling me.

How do I explain I’m not doing this to cause anyone else pain, but instead, I’m doing it to prevent myself from feeling pain? Kind of rough on the people close to me to have them think I’m assuming that letting them get close to me means I’ll have pain in my life.

But it’s not quite that simple.

I’m not afraid they will cause pain, but rather that my recent wounds will be re-opened, not intentionally, but perhaps without knowing it someone may bump into a sore spot, thereby, opening a floodgate of feelings—feelings, mind you, they didn’t cause, but just happened to stir up.

In the past four years, my emotional range opened up fully—which is what, like it or not, intense grief and major life changes do—and I hit notes I hadn’t played since my father died, along with many others I never even knew existed. This opened my heart and made me aware of many levels of human experience. I touched and was touched by other people’s pain at a much deeper level. I could see and know experiences that before I had only imagined.

The raw beauty of it was that prior to my marriage falling apart, my range had been very narrow and small, very contained. Then like a suddenly active volcano, my life and my heart blew open, spilling the contents of my inner most feelings all over the place. It was a mess.

I learned to live in this overheated muddy place, for many, many months, my identity in pieces. The pain allowed me to connect with people, allowed them into my most vulnerable and sacred places. I had no choice. I needed people or I wouldn’t have survived.

I still need people, perhaps now, more than ever. What’s different is that I finally got a break from the pain, and I’ve been enjoying the more neutral feeling of equilibrium. However, I have also become so attached to the absence of pain that I’m now doing whatever I can to avoid it, including not letting people get too close. My range has shrunk down into that narrow place again because it is what I can manage and control. The very thought of being out of control again terrifies me.

All this sounds pretty foolish. The cost is quite obvious when spelled out that way. Without the full range of feelings (no pain=no joy), we miss most of the essence of life, instead spending most of our energy maintaining our comfort zone and protecting our small little world.

I know all of this, and yet…and yet, I hesitate at the doorway of intimacy and human connection and peer in watching people engaged in the dance and wonder if I will ever feel safe moving in that world again. That’s what the sharp knife of grief does…it puts you in a state of post-traumatic confusion and doubt that you will ever be “normal” again.

Life, if nothing else, is about change and growth, and in all likelihood, this state of no pain or numbness, is temporary, a kind of suspended animation or existential limbo, allowing me to travel a great distance from one state of being to another. I trust that one day I will wake up and feel confident again about taking risks in my relationships again. I trust that my friends will be patient with me a little longer, and not see my withholding as a personal rejection, but rather regard me as someone who is on retreat from the world for a time, in order to regroup, refresh and restore my being into a place of wholeness.

In the meantime, I will continue to linger at the doorway, reminding myself that intimacy—like riding a bike—is something you never forget how to do.